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Compiled by atalantapendrag at Livejournal.com


Wow, this list turned out to be more popular than I could have imagined! I've gathered up all the great addenda everyone submitted, so they won't bet left to languish in eight pages of comments. I've also added a few more of my own.



I will not go to meals dressed as Choda Boy.

Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.

I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead.

My name is not Captain Subtext.

There is no such thing as a "saving throw vs. detention".

Filch does not have a sister named Magenta.

I will refrain from wearing black leather gloves at all times and saying "Hogwarts is mother, Hogwarts is father".

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheremones".

I will not refer to the Slytherin dorms as "the Tremere chantry".

The Malfoys are not Draka.

Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will cease going after the prefects with a sword.

Richard Upton Pickman did not paint The Fat Lady.

I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as a "Big Black Sex Auror".






I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion.

-Nor can I cast Ice 9 or Ultima.

I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.

The Giant Squid has never made an appearance in any hentai film.

It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".







Professor Flitwick's first name in not Yoda.

I will not refer to the hippogryph as "Horseybird".

I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

-Or any other Slytherin.

I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.

I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.

-Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.

-I am not a Professor, at all.

I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.

-I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

-It was not an honest mistake.

I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.

I am no longer allowed in the student laundry.

-Or the teacher laundry.

Nor am I allowed to ever cast an Invisibility charm again.

While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet which makes reference to Belinda the Buttless.

It is generally accepted that Cats and Dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.

I will not give any girl a one half of a set of two way mirrors as a Christmas present.

-Especially if I don't tell her what it is.

Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled firewhiskey.

-Charming the label does not change anything.








I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.

-Even if I brought enough for everyone.

-Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behavior.

Peeves may not countermand any of my professors' or prefects' orders.

No matter what Professor Umbridge may tell me to the contrary, I am not authorized to form press gangs.

Chemistry and Potions don't mix.

-Testing this last is not funny.

Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.

May not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.

I may not speak Latin in front of the books.

The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

May not insinuate that all beautiful American exchange students to Gryffindor or Slytherin House in Harry Potter's Year are Lockhart's misbegotten heirs, even if it's true.

I am not possesed by the ghost of Lady MacBeth.

-Neither is The Fat Lady.

When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent.

-Especially if I can't.

If someone's House Badge is green and mine is purple, it means they are in Slytherin House. It does not mean "The Sorting Hat thinks they're dumber than me."







Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.

Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums".

-Neither does he respond favourably to "Sev", "Snapey-Poo" or "Debbie".

First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

Hagrid does not have sex with magical creatures, I should stop implying that he does.

I am not authorised to sell nude picture of the faculty to students.

-Giving the same nude pictures out free of charge is also frowned upon.

Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.

House Elf stew is not on the Hogwarts menu, neither is Niffler Curry, so I should stop asking.

A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.






I am not allowed to claim Draco Malfoy is suffering from 'blue balls'.

-Not even if I loaded his jock with woad.






It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.

I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder."

I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."

Neville is not my valet.

When given a directive by my house prefect, I should not insist that "we don't need no stinking badges."

First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.

I will not threaten the Fat Lady with Dip.

House ghosts do not regularly "slime" anyone.

Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

I will not suggest that Professor Trelawney is "talking out of her arse."

My wand does not vibrate.

There is no "open-mike night" at Hogwarts.

I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.





I will not arrange for a DVD of "This Is Spinal Tap" and a drum kit to be sitting in the DADA Proessor's room on 1 September as a "Welcome To Hogwarts" Present.

After the last unfortunate experience, I will not take the Hogwarts house-elves to see "Dumbo" as their Christmas treat. Furthermore, I will remember to put trampolines below the Astronomy Tower in case I momentarily overlook the first part of this resolution.

I will not spread rumours around Death Eater circles that actually Lord Voldemort's mother survived childbirth and enjoyed a long covert career in the Muggle world as the Honourable Member for Finchley.

If I decide to become a ruthless profiteer who earns untold Galleons by selling off Potions off-cuts and rejected ingredients to Muggle schools, I will take the precaution of using Avada Kedavra on Jamie Oliver first.

Substituting Immac for Slixslelox in Draco Malfoy's shampoo container is a childish and irresponsible act.





I am also not allowed to contact Mr. Chick (see #16), offer to give him the real low-down on witchcraft, demons and Hell, and then send him to a meeting of Death Eaters.

-Even if I think that Chick deserves it.

I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever gone into heat.

I must not spread rumours that Lucius Malfoy is, was, or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as "Dobby's bitch."

The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support.

I will not say that Harry Potter's godfather has "taken the veil."

When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout, "There can be only ONE!"

I will not refer to any Death Eaters as "Trixie."

-Even if it is a legitimate nickname.

I will not tell the Muggleborn first-years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.

I must not start a "Vetinari for Minister of Magic" campaign.

I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.

I should not tell anyone that Dean Thomas's nickname is John.

I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of "intelligent design."

The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the Opera."

I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine."







I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.

I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

I will not send pictures of magical creatures to the Weekly World News.

I will not cover myself in ectoplasm and walk out of a fireplace, saying I took the "Flu Network".

I will not refer to "The Grim" as a nice doggy.

I will not refer to Professor Lupin as a nice doggy.

I will not ask Professor Sprout where the Jolly Green Giant is.







I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".

I am not permitted to utter the line: "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a ___ out of my hat!" during Charms class.

There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.

-Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.

I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".

I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real father.

I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams.

Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".

A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.

Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy."

Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.






Professor McGonagall does not have an inappropriate relationship with Mrs. Norris.

I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".

Professor Flitwick has heard all the "swish and flick" jokes before, and is very, very tired of them.






The Squid is not interested in starring in tentacle porn movies.

The Snitch is not a ben-wa ball.






I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas.

I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as Catwoman, no matter how funny she would look in tight leather.

-Nor will I ask her if she is Catwoman in disguise.

I am not to ask if Lord voldemort is secretly Hitler or Osama bin Laden.

I am to stop asking Professor Snape to Yule Ball.

I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.







Calling Professor Flitwick "Willow" and asking him about Madmartigan is not an appropriate question for classtime.

Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is inappropriate. It's best not to bring up "Thriller", either.

Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient. *scoffs* n00bs.

Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

Taking red paint and writing creepy messages on the walls is not funny, either.

If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!!!" may be correct but is not the manner in which one should answer.






Not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.

I am not allowed to do that thing with the lollipop within Professor Snape's sight ever again.

The proper use of the library's Copying Charms is to make personal study copies of educational materials, not to duplicate adult publications.

I will never again use the spell used to enchant bludgers on peas.

-Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or any other food item. Or any other item that is not a Bludger.

Not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.

-Not allowed to lock anyone in a closet to see if any kind of sex will occur.

May not have a private army.

-Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.

Should not encourage the house-elves to unionize.

Must stop referring to the professors by the embarrassing nicknames they acquired in their school days.

I must not substitute chocolate-flavored laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.

Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.

"Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.

Portable Swamps are not funny.

Revel fires are to be danced around. It is not appropriate to dispose of old love letters or other sensitive documents in them.

Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey, and it is wrong to tell First Years that they are.






Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.

Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told... again.

Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the whomping willow is highly frowned at.

Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.

Sneaking slugs into Ron's food is not funny. He does not like being reminded of his incident.

Trying to out-argue a Slytherin will lead to no good.

Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.







I am not the wicked witch of the west.

-I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.

I will not melt if water is poured over me.

-Neither will Professor Umbridge.

He who should not be named is not the artist formerly known as Prince and I will not tell first years such.

I am not the eggman.

-Nor am I the walrus.

I will not start a campaign to rid the world of mimes.





I do not have a Cyberman Patronus. (see #31)

I am not a Wirn animagus, either.

I will not ask Aragog if he came from Metabelis III.

-Or if he has any pretty blue crystals.

"Nessie is actually a cyborg created by the Zygons" is not an appropriate thing to say in Care of Magical Creatures Class.

While it is appropriate to refer to Voldemort as "Master" while in his service, Voldemort and The Master are not one and the same.

I cannot substitute Prydonian robes for my Hogwarts uniform.

-Nor can my winter scarf be longer than standard issue.

I cannot attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.

-Or transform a pepperpot into a Dalek.

If the new DADA teacher gives his name as "Dr. John Smith" or simply "The Doctor", prepare for the worst including but not limited to alien invasion, time travel and a possible apocalypse.





Lucius Malfoy is not my "sugar daddy" and I will not claim he is.

-That goes double when Draco Malfoy is within earshot.

A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars.

"To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

-No, not even though you are a witch.

My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.

No part of the school uniform is edible.

-Not allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.

Not allowed to take house points from firsties for "being too goddamned short".

Never, ever, attempt to correct Professor Moody about anything.

Must not refer to Headmaster Dumbledore as "Mum".

-Nor Professor Snape. (text_eva_'s codicil)

Must not refer to Professor McGonagall as "Dad".

Not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.

-Not allowed to use silencing charms my Prefects.

-Not allowed to use silencing charms, period.

Not allowed to prophesy the end of the world more than once.

The following words and phrases may not be used near any Slytherins or Gryffindors, as Madam Pomphrey has enough work without adding an aneurysm epidemic to her workload: budding sexuality, sexual lubrication, all Gryffindors are latent homosexuals, all Slytherins are blatant homosexuals, slut puppy, or any references to the Giant Squid.

Firsties do not smell like dog poo.





Will not offer to sell Hagrid new creatures.

-Especially not if I actually have them.

Madame Hooch's name is just that, a name. Will not ask her to share.

-Also will not ask her to fly under the influence.

Will not try to recreate the Whomping Willow in herbology class.

Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.

Will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half-hour.







If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

I am not allowed to operate a business out of the school.

-Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

-Not even if they are “especially pro-Hogwarts films”

-Snape and "Minnie" do not want a part in these films.

Playgirl and Playboy are not on the reading list for muggle studies

Woad and other camoflage/body paints are not needed for DADA.

I may not challenge prefects to “Meet me on the Quidditch field, at dawn”.

I shouldn't take incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.

-I shouldn't use Photoshop® to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.

I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I have access to a time turner.

I should not show up at the front gate wearing part of another houses uniform, messily drunk.

-Even if my prefect did it.

I will not only wear "Wizard hat, open robe & tie" and call it an authorized uniform.

Teaching exchange students to taunt other Hufflepuffs is not nice.

When detained by dementors, I do not have a right to a strip search.

Do not dare first years to eat bugs. They will always do it.

I will not teach Peeves the lyrics to “Henry the VIII I am”.

-I will not dare Peeve to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68. He will always do it.






I will not refer to McGonagall as "the cat-girl."

(fuyu no neko's codicils-

- Nor will I attempt to stop her transformation part way through.

- Not even if catgirls are "cute.")

- The same goes for Hermione.

I will not hand red shirts to the new DADA professor and claim that they're the standard uniform for the position.

I will not use invisibility charms on women's clothing.

I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose. Or any other orfice, for that matter.

I will not spread rumors that Trelawney is "riding" Firenze after hours.

I will not try to find the Room of Requirement with the expectation that it will be full of beautiful women.

I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

I will not test my Potions assigments by spiking Snape's drink with them.

- Especially not all of them at once.

I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."

I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."

It doesn't matter if he is going on vacation; I will not comment about how the Minister of Magic is "packing."







The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as 'my lord Cthulhu', nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on the new moon.

I will not attempt to set up a mobile phone mast on the Astronomy Tower.

- Likewise the satellite dish.

The Slytherin Gift to Virgins is fictional, and I should not be asking Draco Malfoy or any of the other Slytherin boys if they've mastered it yet.

The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop insinuating that he is.

Professor Snape is not and never has been a 'sexy bitch'.

I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.

I will stop asking Professor Lupin exactly what goes on between him and Professor Snape when he brings him the Wolfsbane potion every month.

Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'.

Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.

Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.

I will stop substituting Professor Lupin's Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.

Mr. Filch is not to be addressed as 'Steptoe'.

I am not to stare at the Great Hall ceiling during dinner in the winter and cry 'My god, it's full of stars!'

I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office'.

- I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.

-Especially not with kazoos. (butterflykiki's codicil)


The research and manufacture of mind-altering substances will not gain me extra credit in Potions.

'Not enough room to swing a cat in here' is a Muggle saying, not a testable hypothesis.

- Especially not with Mrs. Norris.

- Not with Professor McGonnagall either. (Azure Lunatic's codicil)

I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.

I am not to perform the Rite of Ash'Kente in the common room. Or anywhere else.

When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.

Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.

I am not to hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout 'I... HAVE... THE... POWER!!!'

I am not a Vampire Slayer and Professor Lupin is not my Watcher.

-I am not to attempt to stake Professor Snape.

When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout 'To the Batmobile, Robin!'

- Or 'Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, THUNDERCATS, HO!!!'

Professor Flitwick is not to be referred to as the 'Dungeon Master'.





I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.

I will not try to convert my housemates to Christianity.

-Or Wicca.

-This does not mean that my religious rights are being violated.

I am not allowed to hit Bludgers at spectators.

-Or the referee.

There are spoons.

-I will not destroy, transfigure, disappear or rename the cutlery so that there are no spoons.

I will not commit crimes and then say I was under the Imperius curse.

I will not insult people and then say I was given Veritaserum.

-I will not give people Veritaserum.

The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smartasses and the Junior Death Eaters.

Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.

-Neither is Professor Snape.

I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

Muggles are not lesser lifeforms.

The house elves are not there to do my homework.

-Neither are the ghosts.

I am not a magical creature.

I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.

I am not Voldemort's illegitimate love child.

Professor Snape did not kill my father and does not deserve to die.

Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed.

-Or under his robe.

I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.

Grindewald is not my role model.

-Neither is Voldemort.

I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to classes.

I will not declare martial law.

I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.

-Including my own.

I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.

I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.

The Head Girl and Head Boy do not perform sexual favors.

Jellylegs is not an Unforgiveable Curse.

-That does not mean that I am allowed to perform Jellylegs on fellow students.

-Or house elves.

"All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwarts.

I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.

I will not attempt to make Professor's Trelawney's predictions come true.

Professor Snape's problem is not that "he needs to get laid".

Draco Malfoy is not a ferret animagus.





Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not improved by the introduction of muggle firearms.

-Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle axes are not acceptable either.

Peyote tea is not, and will never be, an acceptable potion for class.

Even if I myself to do not believe in it, I will respect that the school observes daylight savings time.

Providing Peeves with a case of dungbombs was a socially irresponsible action, and I will not do it again.

Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.

The teaching staff are not Dumbledore's "Filthy assistants".

Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is innapropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off.

-Likewise, it is unkind to make the aforementioned hair into a wig and wear it to potions class.

-Nobody cares that it makes me feel "pretty".

Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.

In spite of the fact that robes resemble dresses, I will not dance up and down the great hall singing "I'm not a F*cking Drag Queen". Ever.

Hogwarts does not require a karaoke machine.





I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.

I will stop insisting that witchcraft is just a metaphor for lesbian sex.

I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.

"OMGWTF" is not a spell.

Cornelius Fudge does not appreciate being called "Fudgie the Whale."

Shouting "Accio Dobby!" is not the proper way to get house-elf assistance.

I will not go into Dumbledore's pensieve looking for graphic faculty smut.

It is not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.

"Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell that to the first-years.

The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".

I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.





I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.

The Restricted Section is not were they keep the books on bondage.

I am not allowed to forget my Omnioculars in either the boys' or the girl's bathroom. Especially not while they are in recording mode.

I am not allowed to give Professor Trelawney a book on trepanning.

I am not allowed to leave the catnip out in Professor McGonagall's class.

I am not allowed to say "Bless you" every time someone mentions Quidditch.

I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup and Bubbles.

I vill not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.

I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.





I will not give Professor McGonagall catnip, hairball medicine or string for Christmas, no matter how much I think she will like them.

I will not cast the occasional Oblivate spell on Dumbledore. Even if it would be amusing.

-Not even if I want to try to convince others he's going senile

I will not ask if Professor Lupin has had all his shots, such as rabies. Nor will I ask it of Professor McGonagall.

I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes" to Right Said Fred's I'm too sexy for my shirt, while showering. Or for that matter doing any other activity.

Attempting to create real tribbles is expressly forbidden. Especially if it is for extra credit in the Care of Magical Creatures.

Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house is forbidden.

Telling people that Professor Snape is an animagus and turns into a snake is not recommended.

The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.

Professor Moriarty does not teach at Hogwarts.

Please do not tell 1st years that the fried chicken is really Kentucky Fried Owl.

I will not get a muggle tattoo artist to tattoo the Dark Mark on any part of my body.

I will not try to perfect Wizard tattoos, even if they would be wicked cool.

I will not tell 1st year Hufflepuffs that the Dark Lord eats Hufflepuffs for breakfast. Or any other meal. And then tell them that if they inform anyone of the warning the Dark Lord will choose them next.

"Trelawney predicted that I would die in her next class" is not sufficient reason to supspect that she is planning to kill you.

Singing "Wild Thing, you make my heart sing" whenever you see Professor Lupin is not allowed, even though he likes it.

Though Mr. Filch does order in a lot of Chianti and Fava beans, he does not normally eat children.

Please do not refer to Dumbledore as Methuselah.

Please stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.

We do not serve Muggle stew for any meal.

Sesame Street(tm) is not the American equivalent of Diagon Alley.

I will not make my broom invisible and then fly/hover over a muggle town/city.

I am not to "walk on water" in front of muggles.

I will not compel Seamus Finnegan to pursue people asking them for their Lucky Charms.

I am not allowed to request Bertie Botts every flavored bean soup to be served to anyone at any time. Even if it is April Fool's day.

I am not to tell Nearly Headless Nick that he'd forget his head if it wasn't attatched, as that is cruel.

I am not to tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights of Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have my friends/other people to call Ni from various directions.

I am not to tell Muggle born that Mrs. Norris and/or Professor McGonagall is related to the Cheshire cat.





Draco Malfoy is not a vampire.

-Especially not a vampire named 'Spike'.

Watching "The Food Network" is not equivalent to sitting NEWT-level Potions classes.

Do not eat the split pea soup at the Leaky Cauldron.

-Never feed the split pea soup from the Leaky Cauldron to the house elves, then run down the halls yelling for a priest.

Pinning Confederate flags to the backs of Death Eater masks is not wise.

The pitch during final match of the House Quiddich Cup is not the time or place to try your hand at skeet shooting.

Voldemort does not wish to appear in a Visine commercial.

-Or as the 'before' for a line of cosmetics.

Professor Snape does not look handsome in cornrows.

Those BSDM sex toy magazines do not belong to Professor McGonagall.

-"The lady doth protest too much, methinks" is not going to change McGongall's mind.

Beaubaxtons students are not to be kidnapped in order to save them from the 'Axis of Evil'.

Throwing 'freedom fries' at Mme. Maxime is not an appropriate alternative protest.

Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada Kervada' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.

Stop asking Hannah Abbot if her milkshake brings boys to the yard.

The ceiling of the Great Hall would not look better as an OmnIMAX dome.

Stop asking Hermione who's in the middle.





My hat is not a suitable place for storing firewhisky.

In addition, I may not write "Wizzard" on my hat and insist that I cannot learn another spell.

I should not offer Voldemort any form of magical nor Muggle Rogaine.

-Also, calling him "Baldemort" is inappropriate.

When called upon in class, I shall not insist that the correct answer to everything is '42'.

I will not insist that I need a scantily-clad assistant to perform my "magic".

Telling Professor Snape that he has a very big wand is inappropriate.

I will not create a betting pool on that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.

"Witches Gone Wild!" is not appropriate material to have at a school.

I shall not suggest to Remus Lupin that "you and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals" and that we should "do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."

Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is wrong.

-So is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could touch them.

Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.

I cannot be a Heffalump animagus.

I cannot insist that a dead parrot is my familiar - even if he is nailed to his perch and pinin' for the fjords.

All the other boys do not do that with their wands.

I cannot refer to Cornelius Fudge as the "Minister of Silly Walks".





Am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix.

Cannot lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.

Am not allowed to train my frog to attack prefects and/or professors.

Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and rebuilt inside Snape's classroom.

Quidditch is not Calvinball, and the score is not 'Q to 12' when I'm doing the commentary.

Cannot charm all dictionaries to have: "Gryffindor" as the definition of "gullible."

Cannot replace the Quidditch brooms with pogo sticks.






I will not ask anyone if they are "****ing serious" and then giggle madly when they reply in the affirmative.

Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.

Robes are not optional.

I have no claim over any of the Weasley sperm.

Harry and Draco will not yaoi for food.

Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.





I will not fly under the influence of butterbeer.

I will not call her "Hermy-wun".





The word "midichlorians" will not be uttered in levitation class. In fact, don't ever mention it.

There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man".

-Even if I do conjure him up.





Leaving mash notes signed "Your secret admirer, Harry" in Neville Longbottom's books is both unfunny and cruel.


I will not sing the "Beverly Hillbillies" theme song when the Weasley family passes by.

-Or the "Hee-Haw" theme song.

-Or "Eight is Enough".

Asking the Weasley twins, "So do you do everything together?" is ill-advised.

-So is asking if Lee Jordan is "the top".

It is uncouth to ask Ginny Weasley if the carpet matches the drapes.

I will not sing "She's a bad mama jama" when Ms. Umbridge passes by.

Telling Lucius what he could do with his staff... is not advisable.

-Less advisable if it involves anything sexual with Snape.

-Unless, you know... you bring me back pictures.

I will not ask Professor McGonngall if she can get me into any good law schools.

-Nor will I ask to pet her as a pussy.

I will not ask the school to sponsor a breakdancing crew.

-I will not get my nonexistent breakdance crew to "battle" Durmstrang.

Do not... I repeat do not sing "Baby Got Back" when Firenze walks by.

Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.

Running a pool on how big Snapes trouser snake is just on nose size alone... is funny.

-Him finding out? Not so much.

Getting Colin Creevey drunk and steering him toward a sleeping Harry Potter is just a bad idea all around.

-Then using his camera to take incriminating photos is not nice.

Running numbers using Arthimacy... will more than likely get you expelled.

Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!" is not funny.

-Even if Luna Lovegood does say "Yes, I thought so too."

Attempting to set up Colin Creevey with Justin Finch-Fletchley will not be appreciated by either of them.

-Neither will setting up Ginny Weasley and Millicent Bulstrode.

Using Trelawney's crystal ball in a game of croquet is not advisable. She may see a Grim in your future.

Pansy Parkinson has not posed for "Pure Blood Wizards Quarterly" and it is libelous to say that she has.





I am not a Balrog animagus.

- ...Either of them.

Nor do I have the master plan.

I cannot have a mimiga as a pet, even if I went through all that trouble to get one.

- Even if I do get one, I will not feed it any kind of red flower from the herbology class.

Misery was not a Slytherin.

I will not call Voldemort Ballos.

In turn, I will not call Ballos Voldemort.





Shouting "izzy wizzy let's get busy" in charms class is not funny.

-Neither is shouting Abracadabra, as it is very likely to be misheard.

Calling professor Flitwick "Hoggle" is inappropriate.

-"What-ho lawn ornament" is not a proper greeting for Professor Flitwick either.

The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge's sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result.

Shouting "It's Jareth the Goblin king" when the morning post arrives is only funny the first time.

I may not try to find out if any of the owls are David Bowie in animagus form.







I will not bring the Alethiometer to Divination class.

I will not ask people what their daemons are.

I will not offer Professor McGonagall lasagna.

I will not write to Amnesty International asking them to support elf rights.

I will not pester Hermione to join MENSA.

I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwart's smartest student is in another house.

I will not ask Hogwarts for help with transfer of credits.

I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.

I will not leave my mobile phone on Loud during class.






Never ever ask Professor Snape where he currently keeps his Rocky.

- Likewise for his corsets.

Never ask Professor McGonagall if she can fly with an umbrella with a parrot on the end.

- Never, ever, ever test this.

Never ask Professor Flitwick where he keeps his battle axe.

Never offer to teach the first years the ginger beer trick.





I will not poison first years. No matter how much I think they need it.

I will not trade my wand for anything, including sexual favours, fire whiskey or first years.

Professor Snape does not get "that time of the month" and I should stop telling everybody that he does.

It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.





I will never say "he slimed me" if a ghost walks through me.

Dick Clark does not have a Sorcerer's Stone.

I will not tempt Ravenclaws with apples. I will also not say that the Slytherins have tempted other students with apples.

I will not sing 'Magic Dance' at any time. Even during a ball.

The Headless Horseman is German, not Austrian.

Frankenstein is not required reading for DADA classes.

-Neither is Dracula.

Reenacting "The Tempest" will not get me extra cedit in History of Magic, or any other class. Neither will "A Midsummer Night's Dream."

I will not joke that professor Flitwick went to "charm school."

I will not quote H.P. Lovecraft, especially the Gaelic sections.

Neil Gaiman is not spying on us.

I will not make a Golem, even if I am Jewish and the directions are in the library.

I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of arguement.

I will not say that Grendel lives in Hogwarts Lake.

I will not yell out "The Migou!" in Care of Magical Creatures, even if that is the colloquial name for the Yeti in Tibet.

Peter Hurkos is not a graduate student. Neither were Jeanne Dixon and Uri Geller.

I will not cite the King James version for a History of Magic report.

The Grimores are chained there for a reason.

Hebrew is an acceptable substitute for Latin. Esperanto is not.





I cannot ask Professor Snape to call me Maryanne.

-Nor can I tell him that I prefer wildflowers to hothouse blooms.

I cannot attach bits of elastic to Hufflepuffs, even if I really, really want to keep them.

I will not teach the First Years the "Dildo Song".

-Nor will I tell them that dildos are extinct magical creatures they should ask Hagrid about.

If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" I will be Obliviated.

-Ditto: Henry the VIII I am; This is a song that never ends; or One-sextillion mugs of butterbeer on the wall.

-Or any folksong that starts out "innocent enough".

I am not 'Fairy Hedgehog'.

And pointing my wand at First Years and yelling "Anything but pumpkins!" is not funny.





The "no keg party" policy is there for a reason.

An "Irish Mudslide" (Bailey's, Kahlua, ice cream, and chocolate syrup) will not get you extra credit in Potions.

-It will, however, keep prefects from ever bothering you again.

-Likewise, claiming that the distillery you were caught setting up was "a Potions assignment" is not advised.

Providing Engorgio charms to students that are... lacking... before the Winter Ball will make your Head of House most displeased.

-Especially if you were charging for them.

Graboids are not acceptable subjects for a Care of Magical Creatures class.

-The same goes for their secondary life-cycle stages.

Using the 'Petrificus Totalus' curse on Draco Malfoy and dumping him in the Gryffindor common room as a Christmas present to the House means you should watch your back until June.

-Especially if the Weasley twins were staying over break.

-If Lee Jordan was there too, you're going to need a bodyguard.

Offering to spike Cho Chang's punch at the Winter Ball in return for a cut of Harry Potter's fortune is frowned on.

Modifying the old "pail of water over the door" trick to "pail of bubotuber pus over the door" is really frowned upon.

When asked to demonstrate "Muggle technology" by other students, I will not use C-4 and Professor Snape's lab to do so.





My name is not Valentine Michael Smith, even if I can make my clothes disappear.

I am not bonded to any fire lizards, and claiming that I am and that they are on a mating flight does not excuse that sort of behavior in public.

-Or in private, either.

The Baba Yaga does not live in the Forbidden Forest.

None of the Japanese exchange students are Kitsune.

I am not a selkie, even if I do own a seal fur coat.

The name of the school is Hogwarts, not The Unseen University, The Vasty Hal of Death, or Alpha Complex.

Professor McGonagall did not have an affair with "Miowara Tomokato" while visiting Japan.

I will not tell first-years that the Cave of Nimue is thought to be somewhere in the Forbidden Forest and that there is a reward for finding it.

I am not "of the Blood of Amber".

-Nor are the Malfoys or Blacks.

I will not claim to be able to see the thestrals if I cannot.

-I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".

Durandal was a sword, not a Thompson gun.

Olifant was not the "Horn of Gondor".

I will not stack Professor Trelawny's tarot deck so that the first five cards are The Devil, The Tower, The Hanged Man, Judgement and Death.

-I will not play poker or bridge with Professor Trelawny's tarot deck.

-I will not replace Professor Trelawny's tarot deck with the Thoth deck.

-Or a deck of pornographic playing cards.

-And especially not the Mage deck.

I will not try to pass Monopoly money as Muggle currency.

I will not tell non-Muggle students that the reason the metric system is all in tens is because Muggles can't count higher than that.

I will not tell Muggle-born Ravenclaws that "Magick in Theory and Practice" is a suitable study guide.

The Church of the Subgenius is not the dominant religion in the United States.

Citizens of the United States are known as "Americans" not "Those Idiots Who Don't Know How to play Qudditch correctly".

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" is not a part of the DADA syllabus.

-Neither is "Bram Stoker's Dracula".

-You cannot get class credit for watching either of them.

"Painted Streetwalkers" are not a type of bird, and the Care of Magical Creatures class does not have a field trip to study them.

-And you certainly won't get class credit for studying them yourself.





I am not to tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans taste better when one eats a whole handful simultaneously. (aurictech)

I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. (onehitwnderbard)

I will not write fic about Professor McGonagall and Choo Choo Bear. (Bikergeek)

I will not roll a d20 to see if my spell has worked or not. (Kleenexwoman, 12th level chaotic neutral mage)

I will not offer to teach private lessons in Sex Magic. (jamoche)

I will not attempt to repel Dementors by covering myself in chocolate body paint. (Nightspore)

I will not get Viktor Krum to teach me to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, to teach to first years under the guise of teaching them potentially useful phrases to promote international magical cooperation. (coyote gestalt)

I will not sneak up behind Draco and Harry while they are in their Pissy Staring Snarky Yelling Matches and yell, "SLASH SLASH SLASH! LET'S SEE SOME SLASH!" (Licorice Penguin)

I will not, under any circumstances, call Professor Lupin "Taura". (rynia)

I will not draw hentai of Frodo/the Giant Squid, no matter how much we all agree that Frodo is tentacle bait. (lady_of_water)
 

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God that took some reading!!! Made me laugh though - but it's a tad worrying how many alternate realities I can actually believe in!

My favourites....
My name is not Captain Subtext.
Filch does not have a sister named Magenta.
I will not refer to the hippogryph as "Horseybird".
I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".
The Snitch is not a ben-wa ball.
Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.
The Slytherin Gift to Virgins is fictional, and I should not be asking Draco Malfoy or any of the other Slytherin boys if they've mastered it yet.
I am not to stare at the Great Hall ceiling during dinner in the winter and cry 'My god, it's full of stars!'
I am not to perform the Rite of Ash'Kente in the common room. Or anywhere else.
Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.
I am not to hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout 'I... HAVE... THE... POWER!!!'
 
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